dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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