Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
