my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
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Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
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I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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