Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
