he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
