I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
