When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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