In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.