You just made me feel so damn special
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went