Tell her she can't have a vagina
Quick, to the slutcave!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
