I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
