I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
a search helicopter?!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
