Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
