pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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