You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
