I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
