Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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