He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
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You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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