11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
