My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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