Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How's work?
Spinning.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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