Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
