I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
