He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
