It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize