I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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