id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
