If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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