It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
