I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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