im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dating After Heartbreak
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can you bring me the toilet please
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.