I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
