Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
