i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
