Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
