What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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