You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize