So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
