We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
