who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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