my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
