I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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