I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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