you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
