enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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