chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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