Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
