i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize