I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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