Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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