I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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