I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.