Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
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I think a kid would responsible me up
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
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You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst