On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
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i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
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In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.