you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
