i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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