dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
